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For me as a woman in my late thirties, I’ve always believed that politeness is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a satisfying life, I’ve faced very little self-assurance. This mix of aiming to be considerate and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who over-apologizes. Often, it happens so reflexively that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has impacted both my personal and professional life. It irritates my close ones and colleagues, and then I get frustrated when they bring it up—which only heightens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Inquiring

This constant saying sorry is especially troubling when it comes to public speaking or making inquiries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay focused and avoid nervous rambling, but even that isn’t effective most of the time. As an early-career academic in government studies, speaking confidently is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through facing fears, such as leading sessions and pushing myself to ask questions at public events, despite experiencing humiliations from senior male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more conscious of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I doubt I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still enjoy life and find it meaningful. My main goal is to stop the constant apologizing. I’ve learned that therapy might assist me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used appropriately. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others.

Exploring the Causes

A counselor might explore where this compulsion comes from. Thoughts including, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or adopted from someone important to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once benefited us become harmful in grown-up life.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as self-sabotage. You know it bothers those around you, yet you persist it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on being rather than doing. Much of effective counseling is about self-awareness, not just fixing issues. A skilled therapist will gently challenge you, offering a safe space to explore and acknowledge who you are.

Instead of exposure therapy, a connection-based method with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you judge, disregard, and criticize yourself. It can assist in identifying self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more gentle ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there.

Practical Steps

Changing ingrained patterns is hard, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an try to avoid shame or vulnerability, by recognizing perceived flaws before others do. This can create a cycle of annoyance and worry.

Even thinking things through can be useful. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking blame.

This approach will take persistence, but admitting there’s an issue is a significant first step toward growth.